Last Thursday night, I had coffee with an acquaintance of mine and had an “AH HA!” moment that was a long time coming : I don’t do well with “structured” anymore.
I use to thrive on routines, achievements and personal bests, but not so much anymore.
When I got home from my coffee chat, I journaled for quite a while, something I hadn’t done in a few weeks and as I leafed through my journal, my “AH HA” moment was even more justified.
In September, I started journaling daily basing my reflections on picking a daily oracle card. That lasted 23 days. On November 1st, I challenged myself to do a guided meditation for thirty days and journal afterwards. That lasted two days. In the past, I would’ve beat myself up for not maintaining these routines. I mean, I am a Virgo and a recovering perfectionist after all 😉
But I just don’t feel like beating myself up anymore.
I’ve been working on a passion project for about a year now and in September, I launched my first step : a Facebook page and an Instagram account (@enseignanteequilibree) to help teachers maintain some sense of balance throughout the school year. I built my calendar and scheduled my posts until next June, but only three months in, I’m already finding it to be a chore to the point where I almost forgot to post on Monday!
I’m following the rules, but I’m not respecting myself through it. I’m not being authentic, or at least not entirely so I’m not having fun or seeing the results I’d hoped to see. I’m not even getting the inspirations I use to, not at the same frequency anyway.
For example, on October 22nd, I posted a vulnerable post on my Facebook and Instagram accounts for @enseignanteequilibree and in 24 hours, I got over 90 likes, 42 new followers on my page and over 30 comments. That post came to me a few days prior as I was straightening my hair and was written in less than five minutes. It was effortless. Now that is what I call being guided! The rest of it, not as much.
I’m going through the motions, but I’m not feeling it and we all know that vibes speak louder than words.
I know to trust the Universe. I’ve had WAY to many experiences to even question it so once again, I need to surrender. I need to take a step back, to remember my original vision. I have to meditate and let myself be guided to my next step. I have to trust and not just follow the rule book.
And not just for my passion project, but for me as well.
The sentence “one day at a time” keeps coming back to me which to me means making good choices on a daily basis, not because I have too, but because I’m listening to my body and to what I need rather than what I think I need.
I know that I need to meditate daily. I know that I feel better when I drink my tea in the morning. I know that I need to stretch and move daily and yoga feels good at this point in my life. I know that I need to drink a lot of water. I don’t question these things anymore so why do I let myself fall back into the mindset of “I need structure” which inevitably makes me feel disappointed when I don’t respect my self-imposed routine?
The things that I do daily that make me feel good have become my routine in the last few years, not because I force it, but because I need them. My body needs them. My mind needs them.
My soul knows what it wants and what it needs and I need to get back there with my passion project. I need to take a step back and pause to recenter. To ask myself what do I want to do? Why am I doing this? What do I desire? What do I wish to accomplish and why?
These may seem like big questions, but I know that I’ll find the answers I’m seeking when I let go, slowly and quietly.